Katie Price (aka Jordan) was my new, self-appointed, right-hand woman. She accompanied me to all my speaking engagements, often with her two younger children Junior and Princess. On this occasion I was delivering a keynote paper on computer security at a conference in London. My colleague BB followed me afterwards to give a more technically detailed presentation. It was so long since I’d written my paper that I couldn’t remember what I had planned to say. However, with the help of a conference programme committee member who passed me my original handwritten notes (a mind-map in orange felt tip), and with Katie by my side, I knew that all would be well.

On the other side of the world in Australia TPR was unknowingly enjoying his final moments of freedom, drinking with a fellow burglar at a roadside cafe. We always knew that he’d be caught one day: we just couldn’t predict which day it would be. Two enormous policemen dressed in blue surgical scrubs walked over and arrested TPR and his partner. A uniformed policewoman then sat down beside me at the table and burst into tears. I had little sympathy. If you decide to embark on a life of crime, then you should expect to face up to the consequences.

Read about Katie Price’s other antics on Dreamaticus: