Katie Price was the last person that I expected to see at a banquet on a remote Scottish island. She looked terrible from close quarters: overweight with yellowing teeth, luminous hair extensions and orange skin. Undeterred, she’d brought along some recent studio photographs to prove that she was still beautiful. However, even PhotoShop struggled to disguise the cellulite on her thighs and tummy.

Katie finally admitted that her star was waning. When she started to cry TPR leant over and kissed her on the cheek. He announced that this was to “cheer her up”, but everyone knew that he would later boast that he had “snogged Jordan”.

Read about Katie Price’s other antics on Dreamaticus: