News of AR’s impending visit spread fast. Those who came to see him included friends from Birmingham University SC (now SL), CP (now CA) and HJ (now HJ). AR’s fame even reached school friends keen to meet this eligible bachelor for the first time. Consequently GT and two unfamiliar Carolyns, both also from Darlington Road in Hartburn, turned up. The taller Carolyn, all botoxed, hair-extensioned and dressed from head to toe in white denim, was making desperate attempts to disguise her age (almost 50). She strode over to the smaller Carolyn and reminded her that they had met before at RG-J and SG’s summer barbecue at Yellowcraigs.

The one person who was not pleased to be in AR’s company was his ex-girlfriend JL. She was yet to recover from the scandal he caused by questioning Gordon Brown’s sexuality in the tabloid press, and then refusing to withdraw his remarks.

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TPR and I travelled back in time to the wet week of the campaign in late December a couple of years ago. I found my haul in a puddle by the busy road. There was a wallet, a driving licence and a posh engraved invitation to the launch of the set of events designed to promote computing as a discipline in Scotland. These were perhaps related to the case of the missing diplomat and we agreed to hand them into the police.

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I was Belle’s pupil, following her advanced nutrition course. It was around this time (C’s death) that I discovered that she was FM’s sister-in-law. I submitted my essay etched into the skin of a green pepper, as per Belle’s instructions. I hoped that the words would not rot away before my work was marked.