Not ski-ing in the Alps (Rousse)

My book group pals bombarded me with photographs of their latest trip.

If only I were free to join them in the snowy Alps for a jolly ski-ing holiday.

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‘Are they as rich as us?’ ask nosy neighbours (Rousse)

It appeared that our new upstairs neighbours were friendly with the family three doors along the street. It also looked like none of them liked us.

Was this because I was evasive when questioned about the health of our joint bank account?

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Bath tub blues (Rousse)

TPR was having an affair with a woman called Maria, and now my mother had toppled into the bath while I was having a soak.

Stuck in a tub with an octogenarian while my husband was out enjoying himself with another woman was not the future that I had hoped for.

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Dropped dialect dough (Rousse)

Peering at the sink in DM’s kitchen, SC asked me to pass something to her. She used a term that was completely unfamiliar to me: a dialect word for ‘pastry dough’.

I dropped it on the floor during the manoeuvre. This didn’t matter. DM’s kitchen floor was sparkling clean.

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Museum marital mistake (Rousse)

While admiring the museum display, I felt the warmth of another body approach me from behind.

‘You have a lovely body’ said the stranger, wrapping his strong arms around my middle.

No offence was intended, and none taken. The poor man had mistaken me for his wife.

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Top meeting venue (Rousse)

I thought that my childhood home had been abandoned, but now I found that various committees considered it a top venue for their gatherings.

A woman asked me directions to the room for her next meeting. I ignored her. All I wanted to do was talk about the old configuration of the house, and show off my old bedroom.

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Body building at the British Library heist (Rousse)

Barefoot and carrying a towel, I arrived at the British Library ready for action.

A small Chinese woman whipped the towel out of my hands. ‘This is soiled and completely inappropriate for our criminal purposes’, she scolded.

In the end the plans for the heist were abandoned. The gang members were more interested in the opportunity to catch up with one another than they were in committing a crime. It had been so long!

I was particularly taken by a body builder in blue lycra who offered to use me as a set of weights.

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Sea harvest for the homeless (Rousse)

Evicted from our house, we continued to live nearby in our car. There were two other ‘households’ resident in the seaside car park: a family of Eastern Europeans in a van, and two African women in a peeling-paint blue wooden beach hut.

One day when TPR was ‘out’ exercising, I heard a cry from one of the Africans. I looked over and saw that she was holding up a melon.

‘There’s free fruit on the shoreline!’ she shouted.

This was an opportunity too good to miss. Still dressed in my blue flowered pyjamas, I ran across the tarmac to the grassy clifftop. Beneath me I could see yellow melons bouncing in the water, and big bunches of banana strewn along the shore.

‘Great’, I thought, ‘Fruit salad all round!’

All I needed to do now was pick my way along the rough path down through the brambles to gather this unusual harvest from the sea.

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Sheep ski-ing (Rousse)

The helicopter pilot sped us high up and over the English countryside.

My favourite view was of some mountain top action. A young climber embarked on his descent by ski-ing over the woolly backs of a flock of sheep.

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Pussy pops her clogs (Rousse)

So anxious was I to protect the neighbours’ parrot that when I reached to grab the black cat, I accidentally strangled poor Pussy.

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