The groom visited his bride the day after they married to ask her to return the puppy that he had given her as a wedding present. He also let slip that he had already started divorce proceedings.

Meanwhile TPR had walked out on me. I tracked him down by the sound of his home blood pressure machine coming out of window of the medical students’ hall of residence on Edinburgh’s North Bridge. Now I knew why he had left me: to shack up with a trainee doctor.

The third jilted woman in this sorry tale was M. She sat next to me on the train to a mystery location. When we spotted our former running group pal archeologist BJ further down the carriage we looked forward to a history-themed day out.

Our assumption was, in fact, completely wrong. Many of the other ‘passengers’ on this train were secret service operatives plotting to take us out. Our only means of escape was to wait for the train to slow on a bend, then jump out and make a run for it.

I took my chance in the middle of the Cumbrian countryside. I raced across a field and over a barbed wire fence. Unfortunately for me, a gang of operatives did the same. Amongst them were actors Geoffrey Palmer and Joanna Scanlan. I discovered that the former responded well to flattery when he had me in a headlock, and that the latter was actually on my side because she was a double agent.