I stood at the back of the church, aghast that the worshippers fell for all this nonsense. When they started the ritual of removing the notices from the boards on the right hand wall, I helpfully stood up and made a start on the boards on the left.

The church elders panicked, ran over, grabbed me by the shoulders, and hauled me out of the building. One of them volunteered to march me out of town.

On the way, my captor explained that he too was a graduate of the University of Birmingham. As proof, he proudly recited the title of the dissertation that he wrote for his undergraduate degree in biomedical sciences. I exhibited an extensive knowledge of microbiology in my response.

From the look on his face I could tell that he was (a) surprised and (b) falling in love.