I travelled to Corstorphine confident that SM would be able to help me.

A man in overalls reluctantly answered the door. ‘Is SM in?’ I asked politely. ‘Next door’ he replied gruffly, waving his paint brush in the direction of the house to the right.

I crossed the concrete drive and rang the next house’s doorbell. The door opened directly into a room that would normally be used as an open plan sitting and dining room. In this case, however, it looked more like a bedroom. Three couples, dressed in night attire, lay on double mattresses placed directly on the floor. They were all listening intently to a woman who was delivering a very strange speech.

SM was nowhere to be seen. I wanted to ask about her whereabouts, but I felt that it would be rude to interrupt the speaker. While I waited for her to end her piece, I entertained myself by performing my party trick, hanging unsupported in the air above the beds. Two people, now bored, pulled themselves up from their mattresses and left the room

By the time the speech was over, I had developed a thorough dislike for this woman. I was grateful, however, that I was finally permitted to ask about SM. Where was she?

‘Right here!’ said the speaker, identifying herself.

I couldn’t stop myself uttering my thoughts out loud ‘But you give the impression of being such a nice person when online!’