A teenager on a bobsleigh whizzed past the house and accidentally scooped up TPR. The unintended hitch-hiker was eventually deposited in the sea.

As TPR emerged bare chested from the waves I noticed that he had acquired yet another tattoo. The word ‘Wiley’ was stamped across his torso.

‘You look more and more like a piece of litter with every act of vandalism inked onto your body’, I complained.