It was Eminem week at Aldi and I had bought a Toby jug with the star’s face and a matching bath towel. Later, when we met for tea, Eminem was surprised to hear of this initiative. I gave him the jug.

CM burst in with three syringes and proceeded to inoculate me so we could “travel somewhere nice”. The experience was painful and only later did I discover that this was the world’s worst proposal. The diamond was small too.