TPR and I bought an enormous country pile just north of Aberdeen. Granted it was right next to a massive housing scheme (thanks to my mother for pointing this out), but it would make a fantastic venue for our forthcoming 30th wedding anniversary party.

The old owners – a very learned but extremely talkative overweight nurse and her partner – and their friends struggled to understand that the house was now ours. I was sick of coming home and finding odd people in our bed, and others ‘just popping in’ to ask our servants for food and drink. Even other people’s laundered underwear would appear in our drawers. This explained why I felt so uncomfortable in my underwear one day. The size 6 black M&S knickers I’d put on that morning weren’t mine.

There was only one thing for it: to change the locks and risk becoming the most unpopular woman north of Aberdeen.