It was while I was serving on the crew of an Alantic deep sea fishing vessel that I first met Michael Fassbender.

The chemistry was immediate and before long we had jumped into the ocean in our bright yellow waterproofs so we could consummate our love.

As I clamboured on board I bragged “he’s my SECOND Hollywood A-lister lover” – although I couldn’t for the life of me remember who the first one had been.