With the conference room set up ‘theatre style’ and the delegates quietly seated, the sound system started playing a George Formby tune I didn’t recognise. The first act entered from the wings and began a comedic strip, while the delegates took notes.

The conference organiser took me to one side and told me I had a lot to live up to if I was going to compete with this act. I was amazed she hadn’t auditioned me but I left the room, knowing I had only a week to lose weight, get a costume, choose my music and learn to dance both provocatively and hilariously.