I pulled myself through the yellow painted railings and dropped to the level below to join the queue for the reception. Our host JT was straight ahead of me, with his colleague and father-in-law GM just behind. The event itself was a cross between a private view, a conference networking session, and a party in a student union. Waiting staff milled about offering guests glasses of wine on trays and condoms in bowls. I wondered who would have any need for the latter. I certainly would not.

A bearded man approached me in the main hall. “I’m Eddy” he announced, sticking out his right hand in greeting. I introduced myself in anticipation of conversation, but none was forthcoming. Eddy simply had nothing to say to me. I was now stranded on a two-person island of inactivity, too polite to abandon this poor mute, yet desperate for some form of rescue.

I was saved by a man with dark hair. He was more my type, although a bit on the short side. He took me outside and attempted a kiss on a deserted side street. I was flattered that he found me attractive, but I also knew that this was wrong. So I protested that snogging a stranger was not on my agenda for the evening, and pointed out that I was a married woman with a loyal husband at home.

My admirer didn’t care. He boasted that he could offer me a better deal than any husband, including access to a BMW 320. I responded that cars did not impress me. “In any case” I boasted “Not so long ago my husband drove me around in a 328i. Indeed for a short while we also had Porsche 911”. Of more interest to me was this fellow’s job as an HR consultant who managed redundancy processes. I distracted him by asking questions about final salary pensions in the public sector.

Then I noticed that everything around us looked a little fake. Perhaps this man was just pretending that he was interested in me and I should go along with the act? When I saw Ronnie Corbett, his wife Anne, and Helen Mirren standing by a wall I finally realised that we were all just playing roles on a cardboard filmset in a reworked version of Four weddings and a funeral.