As soon as I saw him in his ‘Smart Chav’ label beige shorts, I realised that the postman was the new love of my life.  Excited and blushing, I filled the kettle to make him a cup of tea while my ex boyfriend T invited him to sit at the kitchen table and enjoy a bacon sandwich.

Later, and not for the first time, water streamed down the walls of my bedroom turning it into a grotto.