In the closing session of the Finnish conference GW called the speakers on stage one by one to present them all with small thank you gifts. Inside my parcel I found a khaki green cotton skirt and four types of bead inside clear plastic tubs: (1) hard plastic pin-heads in bubble gum pink; (2) larger round garnets; (3) carrot-orange plastic rhomboids; (4) paler orange mixed with white rhomboids. The best present of all was a verdigris sea shell designed to be worn as a pendant. I immediately made an attempt to attach it to my gold chain, but it was too heavy. I resolved to sort this out when I got home.

As I unpacked my haul on stage I remarked to a colleague from University College London that there would never be such a public presentation of gifts like this at a British conference. Instead common practice simply required the issue of a brief e-mail of thanks to the speakers once everyone had returned to their home institutions. I worried that by taking part in this vulgar jamboree that I would invalidate my submission to REF2014. This was something I could check there and then. DN (also at the conference) had previously served on panel 36 and would be able to advise me.

Later at home in Edinburgh I wondered if my niece AF would find any use for the beads. I parcelled them up again and set off across town with TPR to find her and the rest of my sister J’s family. They had just come through a difficult time – AF had disappeared on a secret holiday for three months just before taking her GCSEs – so they would welcome a cheery visit from me. J was, in fact, very pleased to see me. As we sat down at the table for breakfast she paid me the biggest compliment: “In your combat trousers you look like you’ve just stepped off the set of a BBC2 science documentary!” “Don’t forget the PhD as well”, I reminded her.