This was meant to be a family reunion organised by me. Everyone on the guest list was related either to me or TPR, and I had control of the whole event – or so I thought.

When I apprehended my school friends PM and LF checking their winter coats into the cloakroom, I feigned delight and kissed them both, even though they weren’t officially invited to the party. Then, when P introduced me to Alex, her shy sixth former niece, I quickly conjured up a reason for her to stay too: with 11 A* in her recent GCSEs, she could pass on hints and tips to my niece AF.

However, when my sister J and sisters-in-law SM and JR turned up in grey mini-skirts, white shirts and loose ties in a tacky version of school uniform, I was devastated. I really had lost control of the proceedings, upstaged by those closest to me. With tears streaming down my face I was desperate for comfort in the arms of TPR. However, he too had abandoned me and was nowhere to be found.