Newly released from prison, I had unexpectedly made it to the semi-finals of The Great British Bake Off. And now here I was, trying to knead dough on a cluttered work surface in C’s kitchen.

It was my first visit to C’s new house and I had taken time to admire the intricate pattern she had created on the kitchen floor using multi-coloured sawdust. Even as I said how lovely it was, she tutted loudly and swept it all away. As I kneaded my dough, it simply disappeared down to dust and to make matters worse I spilled frozen peas all over the newly clean kitchen floor. Then the lamp I had been working under started to smoke. Not only had I created chaos in the kitchen, I was now going to be disqualified from the show.