It was a long, long walk down a canopied pathway to get to the event dinner in the giant marquee. I was glad that I could follow the crowds or I would have lost my way. As I arrived to a glass of champagne, our great leader gave me a hand-written fortune. It read “Remember your vows”. I realised that he had mistaken my colleague Simon for my husband.

As I wandered into the dining room I was horrified to see my dog waiting at the table, holding a knife and fork. I would have to take him home and I was bound to get lost AND miss the starter. As I tucked him under my arm for the long walk, I saw Michelle Obama and her children admiring him. Along the canal tow path, a group of workmen on both sides of the bank were using their oars to create a giant flower sculture. I had to cross a wobbly iron bridge and an old boyfriend barred the exit. I begged him to let me pass. “I have vertigo” I screamed, but he just laughed. Eventually I calmed down, grabbed his bottom and said “Your arse has got really fat”. He backed down immediately.