I walked up to the Sheraton Hotel in Edinburgh with BF. I was rather embarrassed to be attending a conference in my purple fleece pyjamas, but BF was almost identically dressed and didn’t care at all. Once everyone was assembled in the lecture hall, all eyes turned to me as the closing keynote speaker. This was the moment that I had dreaded all week: the one when I would be forced to admit that I had absolutely nothing to say having exhausted all my ideas in the opening keynote presentation that I had delivered at the same conference on Wednesday. There was silence for about five minutes as I summoned up the courage to suggest that we could run a Q&A session instead. When it became clear that I would not speak the delegates took to their feet and gave me a rapturous round of applause.

Afterwards IS invited me to Victoria Beckham’s birthday tea. Before she arrived I examined all the cards and presents laid out for her and wondered what was the point of them all. Surely someone so wealthy would not hanker after any more possessions? However, Victoria seemed delighted that IS had gone to so much trouble. Later, under the tea table, she confirmed how happy she was. She also whispered that she liked IS’s new red-headed boyfriend, explaining that his predecessor had been “sacked” for cheating. She accidentally revealed stubbly legs under her purple silk galaxy dress, yet I was more puzzled as to why she did not look pregnant. Wasn’t her baby daughter due to be born very soon?

After tea had been served IS took me for a wee dance away from the crowd in an effort to cheer me up after my conference shame. When the conversation turned to the Archers I had to shut him up quickly. I hadn’t heard a single episode for over a week and didn’t want him to spoil my plans to listen on catch-up later.

Unfortunately neither Victoria Beckham nor IS could retrieve my next conference calamity. We were driving north with speakers and equipment in a barrel trailer towed behind our car. The trailer dislodged on a bend, spun over the road, bounced across a field, and fell over a cliff to shatter on the rocks below.