The arrangements for our holiday were hardly ideal. I hadn’t managed to finish my conference paper in time so was obliged to take a stack of work with me, and when we arrived in Antigua we found that we’d been allocated beds in two different dormitories distant from one another. I was sharing with three men!

On the first morning I couldn’t find TPR so I ended up sharing breakfast with a broad-shouldered blond Dutchman and his cat. Within minutes my dining partner declared his undying love for me and threatened a sixth suicide attempt if I refused to return his affections. He followed me back to my dormitory and I eventually got rid of him by pushing him out of the window. Unfortunately I shoved the cat just a little too hard. It crash-landed with a miaow and a splat on the street below. Just as I was about to close the window I saw TPR out of the corner of my eye. He had witnessed everything. He drew the worst of conclusions: his wife had picked up a good-looking stranger in a hotel, taken him back to her bedroom, and afterwards sneaked him out via the window. For days afterwards my disgusted husband refused to respond to my tweets.