I was having an affair with Nicolas Cage. The drawback was that I was sharing him with Mia Farrow. Then she swapped him for someone else and – lo and behold – I was now expected join her and fall in love with Jack Nicholson.

I decided that enough was enough and set off to find a boyfriend of my own. I walked into a room of American strangers and announced that applications were open for the role. I was inundated with submissions, including a couple from women who misunderstood the specification. Having considered all the paperwork, I decided that I would rather go back in time and select a boyfriend from my primary school. The prime candidates would be NC and ST.