I was getting married! The groom, a boy from 1978, lived down the ‘rough’ end of the street and his family had been entirely responsible for making the arrangements. I made my way to the church, alone and by foot, staring down at my sequinned slippers. At the church I realised I had probably forgotten to invite any of my friends.

From the pulpit, actress Melanie Hill denounced Neil Morrissey for his failure to participate in a sponsored walk. Her erudition had the congregation in tears although I felt she was upstaging me rather. Those in tears included actors from Brookside, most notably Billy Corkhill and Sheila Grant.

As the time for my ceremony approached, Paul Merton dashed into the church. “It’s alright, Paul”, I said, “I’m still not married if you want to step in”. The entire church fell into an awkward silence.

The wedding went ahead. I couldn’t remember even seeing the groom and began to panic about what had been chosen as our first dance. I slipped away to the newsagents to buy chocolate biscuits and waited while the newsagent gave a small boy a catalogue of local real estate.