As an MI5 veteran, only I could enter the woods and deal with this international crisis. There were tanks on the streets and the world’s media had congregated. My preparation involved wrapping pretty pink scarves around my face and creating an elaborate yellow turban on my head. The contrast with my khaki fatigues was most pleasing.

Later I was called in to turn around the fortunes of a chain of tea-shops. I was astonished and dismayed by their shoddy tea storage methods (ginger stored next to breakfast) and told them so in no uncertain terms.