I was the victim of mistaken identity in Dusseldorf. Or was it a set-up? I had been taken to a town centre apartment by a woman I hadn’t seen for over 30 years so I could change my clothes. While I was hopping around on one leg trying to take off my jeans, someone came into the room and beat me with a wooden bat.

Yet when I looked in the mirror it seemed the ‘weapon’ must have been a giant light blue marker pen because, instead of cuts and bruises, I was covered in graffiti.