Wherever I was, old tramps were standing 50 yards away from me shouting threats. “I’m going to turn you inside out”. Later on I developed superpowers. I could transform rusty old metal horses into beautiful pastel coloured beasts in the My little pony style. Pink and blue with white nylon manes, I gave them names like ‘Stud’ and ‘Vixen’.

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At Goldsmiths College I walked into a classroom of nurses, wearing starched white uniforms, sitting bolt upright around a large square table. They looked like robot clones. I was handed a laminated sheet outlining all the cosmetic procedures a daughter of Jennifer and Brian Aldridge was planning to have. She was most pleased by the transplant of a dead woman’s breasts. I seethed with jealousy when she told me she was having all the procedures paid for by a Nat West loan. I was doomed to be ugly forever.